I've been real grumpy 
coz a few weeks after my surgery I was horny as hell, then just as suddenly as it appeared, it went away 
so for the first time ever, SP and I hadn't had sex for 12 days. He was good about it tho, never bugged me, tried to help by giving me an oily massage but I just fell asleep !
I told him last night that I didn't want to be here and had 'itchy feet' and was still pissed that I wasn't horny. I'm 'restless', even though there is no reason I can think of for it.... I have a part time job, 2 other job opportunities, parties and weekends away and burning man to prep for... maybe it's all the coke I did at the weekend.
Anyway, last night he met up with a guy who we met at the weekend who is interested in making some performance poetry art ...SP has a shit load of poetry he's written since the late 60's so they met up to see what they could do. This morning he left his 'poetry book' out on the kitchen table, I flicked through a few bits of it, then we had this messenger conversation:
Me: wow you kept that poetry book hidden! Seems like you wrote alot of 'love' stuff in 86 and 87 - when you and carla were breaking up i guess..
SP: It's been in the bookcase all along. And I don't think that's all of it either.
Me: I saw some years ago in the yellow bookcase, mostly about Jen and brazil it seemed
SP: Same book
Me: no, this was in some see-thru booklet, mostly about brazil and orgasms as i remember, none of that stuff in there from the 60's
SP: The booklet I printed for BM I gave to Daniel
Me: ok, that would be it then. Shame you weren't able to stay wit h those people and situations that obviously got under your skin enough to write about, huh?
SP: Don't believe everything you read. Most poetry is a take off of something.
Me: I guess you only write poetry about what you can't have.
Me: yeah right... Sunshine an Daria?? pretty obvious
~ notice how he never answered the question about Sunshine (an exe's pet name) and Daria (his first love) ~
Me: Why didn't we have passion like that? i want it. I miss it.
SP: We actually have something better - love.
Me: I don't call it love when you would be willing to drop me like a hot coal if i suddenly don't participate in your lifestyle. if it's so temporary, i prefer passion and lust. which we (or at east I did) had at the beginning, but i got slapped down so often and 'denied' for sex that i ended up being like a kid who is smacked for reaching into the candy bowl too often, she ends up not wanting it, associating it with pain
Me: besides, you had passion AND love for those people, so i'm missing something that i want and you want
SP: The word "passion" has its root in suffering. Syn: {Passion}, {Feeling}, {Emotion}.
Usage: When any feeling or emotion completely masters the
mind, we call it a passion; as, a passion for music, dress, etc.; especially is anger (when thus extreme) called passion. The mind, in such cases is considered as having lost its self-control, and become the passive instrument of the feeling in question.
SP: I prefer to be master of my mind.
SP: And as for the word "love", you need to be able to read and understand "The Road Less Traveled"
Me: stop trying to fuck with me and getting all above yourself. you know completely what I mean.
call it lust, then, if you want, but i have little or no lust for you anymore - "heart pounding can't keep my hands off you" stuff, and I miss it.
I don't believe I ever had that feeling FROM you, but you clearly did for other people, mainly it seems those you couldn't have or control - kinda fits your passion definition.
and because you think you are the master of your mind, those passionate feelings wont come thru, they surface as insecurity and jealousy thru the filters you have.
I just want some 'headiness' back in my/our lives. we have both had it before with others, why can't WE have it is my question?
That was at Noon, 3.15pm and still no answer. Is he mulling over the fact that I have no passion or lust for him anymore - that would really destroy him underneath, that I don't want or need him anymore, or is he thinking of a way to get out of this marriage if I don't want him?
When REALLY he should be thinking about how to get passion back in our lives.
I have a strong feeling to go be with someone and FEEL some of that passion I've been missing. It won't fulfil me for long, but I'll enjoy the rush 
But that's cheating and I don't want to do that.
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